Badass Administrative Assistant
Location: Castle Rock
At Professional Idiots, we're seeking an open-minded badass administrative assistant to join our team of idiots and help us manage and grow our company. We are seeking someone who is a creative thinker. Someone who can think outside the box like the rest of us.
Here is a perfect example of thinking outside the box.
When I was a teen, I wanted to mail this letter to a girl I liked, but at the time, I did not have any postage stamps. So to solve this problem, I reversed the sender's and receiver's names on the envelope. Basically, I used my name and address as the "mail to" and her name and address as the "return to". I dropped it in the mailbox without postage, of course, and what happens when you mail something without a stamp? They return it to the sender, Bingo, mail delivered.
Wait, I think I just admitted to committing fraud against the United States Postal Service. Oh well.
That's the ideal person we are seeking. Someone who can be creative in their thinking to come up with solutions to solve challenging problems.
Mad skillz required
Excellent writing skills (you won the Nobel Prize in literature (twice))
You have a vision (you can see more than just dead people)
You can manage ten things at once (you are left-handed and right-handed)
You are amazing at solving problems (Ukraine sought you to help them avoid a war, but you could not agree on financial terms)
You are loyal and trustworthy (In museums, you are allowed to touch the art)
You don't take no for an answer (when someone says no to you, you just smile because that's exactly what you were expecting)
We offer some kick-ass benefits
Private office in Castle Rock
Company-paid medical, vision, and dental (coming soon)
Five paid sick days each year
Two weeks of paid vacation per year (after your 1st year)
We offer more paid days off than any other company in America. (18 paid holidays)
January 1 – New Year’s Day
January 18 – Martin Luther King, Jr. Day
February 15 – President’s Day
May 31 – Memorial Day
July 4 – Independence Day
September 6 – Labor Day
October 11 – Columbus Day
November 11 – Veterans Day
November 24 – Thanksgiving Eve
November 25 – Thanksgiving
December 23 – The Eve of Christmas Eve
December 24 – Christmas Eve
December 25 – Christmas Day
December 31 – New Year’s Eve
Including these fun-paid days because, well, we can! and yes, they are real.
June 9 - National Sex Day
A day dedicated to the joys of having sexual relations, engaging in pleasurable activities, and exploring each other's bodies.
October 6 - National Kink Day
National kink day is devoted to celebrating consensual sexual activity, kinks, and experimentation.
October 11 - National LGBTQ Day
LGBTQ day is the observance of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender history, and the history of the gay rights and related civil rights movements.
October 13 - National Braless Day
This day encourages women to leave their bras at home. The day promotes breast cancer awareness.
We are looking to only work with the bomb-diggity. Our peer. Someone that learns from us as much as we learn from them. Someone we will be proud to say they are a part of our idiot family and will play a large role in pushing the company forward.
Holly shit batman, this is my dream company; I'm your homie; what do I need to do?
We want to see your creative side, so your resume MUST be a "VIDEO RESUME" (Why? Because we're idiots and we can't read. remember? duh.) You can use a free transfer service like Wetransfer, Dropbox, etc., and send it to the email below.
If you have any questions or to submit your video resume, please feel free to email email@example.com